Guys, you are going to save me a lot of money on therapy. That’s good, therapy isn’t in the budget this quarter. If you’re ready, let’s talk it out!
So I’m right off the big high of our “BIG NEWS” for the summer. We’re off to Europe in two weeks! (“big news” with jazz hands please). And by the by, it looks like we might be adding a little trip to Vienna, Austria, into the mix! I’ve never been and I’m dying to go. My cousin lives in beautiful Vienna now and is buying a pull-out mattress next week so that’s reason enough for us! :)
I’m getting side-tracked. So yeah…I’m really excited for the summer. [Actually, I'm a weirdo who doesn't get too excited about big things until I'm IN THE MOMENT...but still, in my way, I'm excited that I'm going to be excited shortly.] Told ya — weirdo. The problem is that on the other side of making fun, rather “spur of the moment” decisions there is a lot of scrambling.
I’m feeling a lot of pressure to get organized and plan. I want to continue to blog and help this little space grow over the summer and that has started to get me a little panicky and anxious. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but this blog isn’t just a hobby of mine; I want it to be a “real thing.” (ha, Great business plan, I know. GOAL: real thing). I feel confident that what I am working on and working through in this blog will lead me to whatever is next. At least I feel confident some of the time.
We’ve set it up so that Mateo has more babysitting in these last couple weeks before we leave so that I can prepare and get organized. Problem is, my focus is all over the place and that has me feeling really guilty for the babysitting. The guilt isn’t about Mateo being away from me—he’s having a blast (he’s with one of his best buds)—but that we’re spending money for babysitting. We have it budgeted so I need to calm down, but the guilt just won’t let up. And guilt is not helping me on the productivity front.
Why is it that we monetize everything? I wish I could be above that. I wish we could just pursue happiness (and such) freely through working hard to reach our potentials. Big picture, that’s what’s important right? Of course it’s a balance, but one that we skew to the financial side most of the time. For some reason that just makes sense to us. (at least us U.S. Americans).
If I was getting a ton done, or making a ton of money doing it, that might help me breathe a little easier, but I feel like I’m working so slowly without much progress. Reality is, it takes time. I’ve been trying to write, trying to organize photos, (and shh, occasionally sneaking some internet maxi-dress window shopping – please send your recs.! ). But mainly working on editing the past couple days and the photos I’ve been working on just keep looking worse. I might just scrap them. I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s all just experimentation. I’ve learned enough to know that my editing is “off” but I haven’t learned enough to know how to fix it. This is the hairy part. The part I need to push through, because it’s either give up or keep learning.
I believe that I am investing my time and energy in the right place for my future and I’m LUCKY that I have a husband who believes the same. Still, I can’t help but feel indulgent. It’s because I love what I’m working on and it’s because of the money thing. I think if I was back “in school” it would make more sense. Why yes, making some financial sacrifices to pursue something for the future. I get it! Good for you, Henna.
I want to contribute to my family and I don’t want to be a (completely) self indulgent mother or wife. Of course I DO contribute lots to my family and of course financials are only one piece of the equation. I could make a list but luckily I’m not that insecure yet. I can also say without doubt that I make my family happy. Mateo and Aki are kinda obsessed with me. ha.
You know what, I like where I am and what I’m doing. I just get a lil’ anxiety every now and again.
Thanks for listening friends. I wrote about fighting through it all just last month, but looks like I needed another writing therapy session. ;) Shall we meet again in a month? Please pencil me in. I’m going to re-read this to see if I came to any conclusions. Whether I did or not, I’m already breathing a little bit lighter.
I think I’ll be able to get a lot more done this afternoon!
PS I just laughed out loud at this post. Not for the words, but for the photos I chose. The photos have nothing to do with anything. I just happen to look really nice in them. And you know, when you feel crappy it’s nice to look nice. Right? I guess I do look kinda determined, hopeful and forward facing. So we’ll go with that. ;)
PPS I do NOT look ANYTHING like those photos today. Those were taken eight months ago in Venice, Italy. I look better in Venice. I will not be posting a photo, but my “look of the day” includes Aki’s shorts and a baggy T-shirt. Maybe I should change.