i hope

I shoulda read this yesterday. I came across this quote around the New Year and thought, “yeah.” Good mantra, don’t you think? Be a little braver, dream a little bigger…

source: The Virtual Typewriter via Tumblr

source: The Virtual Typewriter via Tumblr

Yesterday I wasn’t worth much of anything.

I was lethargic, tired, down, and defeated.  For. No. Good. Reason. At. All.  Not even a bad reason. I used to have a lot more days like yesterday, but thankfully I don’t go there so often anymore. Tired, sure. I have a toddler.

I had to sit down in the evening and think about it. Actually, I had to write. That old, familiar sinking feeling was making me nervous. Those negative feelings invading. I emailed a friend, my penpal for the last fifteen years. I’m lucky to have someone like her. Someone I can “figure my brain out” with, and someone who has known me for FIFTEEN years.

The funny thing is, I am in a place in my life that I can look at negative thoughts (somewhat) objectively. I don’t throw myself  into them right away. They don’t *POOF, disappear* but I can look at them as a curiosity. What funny creatures we are, all chemicals and hormones. (and other stuff).

I’ve been so happy, so What the MOLY is this? Nothing has happened. Nothing.

Friends you can “journal” out-loud with are a blessing. I have a small, wonderful few. As soon as I started typing I realized the old pattern. How typical. An oldie but a goodie. I have (or had) this tendancy of blowing up, sabotaging, or leaving anything that I felt good about, even passionate about. Usually right at that spot where I could feel proud that I was going somewhere and building something. Projects, education, friendships, relationships, that ceramic pot I was working on that one time. I’m not really a very destructive person to the world outside, I tend to keep the mess to myself. Yes, I used to be rather self-destructive.

So here we are, I’ve been really happy lately. And you know what, a lot of it has had to do with this place. This blog. I’ve had such a need for a creative project. Not just an outlet, but somewhere that I could grow. This is a place where I can think out loud, where I have a reason to look up all of those tutorials on photography and typography and photoshop that I’ve been saving. I can be serious and silly and it all makes sense because it’s my own space. I’ve had ideas coming to me left and right lately and I’ve started carrying a little idea notebook around again. This is me.

The thing I’m most proud of is that I am PUBLISHING. More than the writing, the photographing, or the editing, it’s the fact that I am pressing that “publish” button. Hey, I’m ME, and there are always so many things I want to change in every post, but I get over it and publish anyway. This may be the first time in my LIFE that I am okay not “being there” yet. I’ll get there. I just keep thinking of the Ira Glass quote that I “taped” to my blog last month. Those words are so encouraging to me. It makes me fight through. It’s just a process. I’ll only get better by doing.

I’m still not sure exactly what this blog is ABOUT but I feel good about it. I’m setting myself up to grow. I really want to grow. I like this place.

It’s amazing to me that just today people from 17 countries have stopped by. In the month and 1/2 of this blog’s existence, lovely people from 68 countries and all 50 states have dropped in. I think half of them came for the leopard print egg silly-ness, which I love, ha. For a girl like me those stats are so fun. One of my favorite possessions is my passport. All of those stamps on every page make me happy. My prized collection as a girl was my foreign currency collection. I still have it all in a shoe box. I have a fascination with “the world.”

Where am I going with this? I am finally working on something that I love. Most days I could actually work on the blog ALL day if I was able to. Not yesterday. Yesterday, I was a useless human being. After giving my brain a little look-see, yep, it’s all related. Today is a new day and one throw-away day is enough. Some days you feel defeated and lack inspiration. Some days you just feel intimidated and fear rules. That’s no reason to throw anything away. No more throw-away days. I have so much more to learn and so much more to sort out before I move on.

Or maybe it’s those chemicals and hormones after all. Oh chemistry.


*image source above via The Virtual Typewriter

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10 Thoughts on “i hope

  1. Yesterday, you weren’t useless, because it gave you this. Sometimes, you can’t really create until you can’t. Does that make sense? No? But you understand what I mean, right? :-)

  2. there is so much in this post that i can relate to henna. being creative (which you most certainly are) is such a beautiful gift, but also at times a gift that makes you constantly doubt and question yourself. it’s taken for me to get into my thirties for me to start to feel comfortable with who i am.
    be proud of this beautiful place you have created. it’s always a pleasure to pop over and read :)

    • it’s interesting, I also feel much more comfortable at 30 than I have ever felt in my life. thank you for your sweet words. It’s so encouraging. :)

  3. Catherine:

    Man, your posts are so awesome. I just saw this one. Hit the nail on the head, again. For some reason I’m always surprised that we’re so similar… sabotaging things in life, but making sure no one else knows. And having pen pals to write your stream of consciousness is a must. Don’t know how insane I would be without them. Keep up the good work, my friend. You’re doing awesome!

    Catherine

    • isn’t it funny, no matter how different we think we are…whenever you start opening up we find all of the similarities we share. And here’s so all of the “stream of consciousness pals” who have kept us (moderately) sane! :)

  4. I loved reading this because I feel exactly the same way. When I first started blogging almost two years ago I found I was actually doing more productive things with my time – cooking, DIY, going out, taking pictures, hand-making gifts (which I never do!) etc. Admittedly, most of it was so that I can document it on the blog, but what does it matter? The end result is the same: I was living life and also adopting a whole new perspective on it.

    I’ve learned so much through blogging, like you say, about photography, blog design, social media and sometimes, just completely random things from interesting and insightful posts. It’s a wonderful, fulfilling pursuit and a great way of documenting life to boot! And now that we have a little one, I have all the more reason and enthusiasm to continue.

    I don’t think a personal blog has to be about anything. As long as you’re getting something out of it, the fact that readers keep coming back is just the icing on the cake! Well, that’s how I see it anyway :)

    Glad to hear you’re enjoying it too!

    Maria xx
    http://www.cheekypinktulip.blogspot.com

    • absolutely! just having an open dialogue (the blog) makes me more conscious of my thoughts and the way I am living and what I am doing. I love that, and I also love that so many new ideas are always flowing through my brain. whenever we find new passions, they always open so many new doors, don’t they?

      looking forward to following your adventures with the little one. congratulations! xo

  5. I stumbled across your site from Young House Love. I love your voice and your fashion vibe. I’m old enough to be your mom but we share many things in common. Good work and you add a little more fuel to getting my blog launched. It’s all about facing the fear.

    • Aww, thank you Cindy! That means a lot. I’m glad you found me. I hope you get your blog launched! Face that fear every time :) You’ll have to stop by and let me know when you’re blogging!

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