Not every week, but sometimes I can’t wait for Monday morning. Oh I know, that just doesn’t sound right. It’s just that I link Mondays to a new beginning and a new “chance.” There were times in my life where I was so desperate for a new chance and a new beginning, I’d grasp at anything. Monday was enough of something to hold on to.
This weekend we had a free Sunday so we decided to drive the 2.5ish hours (from Chicago) to visit my parents. Mateo missed Noni and Papa! My brother, Christian came along with us. We’re 18 months apart in age so we grew up together in our own little world (although part of a family of four children). As conversation in cars go, we started talking about “the old days” and at some point that lead to my brother saying, “I’m so glad you’re still here.” I think it would be quite a surprise to people who know me now, that I didn’t always want to be “here.” I was desperately unhappy for a long, long time and quite unsuccessful at living. Everything about living was so, so heavy.
My absolute saving grace is that I am a dreamer. Even in my darkest moments, I fought for, sought out, and held onto any shred of hope. I’ve been told numerous times that I have a child-like joy. It’s probably true. I am easily inspired, I get excited enough to laugh and jump around at random nonsense, and I have a wild imagination for my life. I believe whole-heartedly in other people’s dreams and I can get excited if you’re excited, even if I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s not because I’m silly, it’s because I have been unhappy and the feeling of hope is something that I don’t take for granted.
Today, I woke up exhausted and overwhelmed. But it’s Monday, and I didn’t want to waste the “opportunity” of a new week. For some reason, I thought of these words. I believe it’s from Osho, an Indian guru who taught in the 1960s. I’m not at all familiar with him or his teachings, but I looked up the quote. “A certain darkness is needed to see the stars.” It’s a comforting truth.
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On Sunday, we went on a long walk. It’s nice to get out of the city every now and again. We were away for less than 24 hours, but wow, what a complete reset. It was really lovely to see a few signs of Spring. About time, Midwest! It’s funny how excited we get to see those first few buds blossoming. It reminded me of my thoughts on hope, and how much we appreciate the warmth, comfort, and new life of Spring after a long, dark winter.
When we arrived in Indiana, after everyone was already inside, Aki stopped me by the car. He wanted me to know that he’s happy. He isn’t an emotional man. He moves forward and never backward. He doesn’t hold onto negative thoughts or memories but he has them like everyone else. He grew up in the most beautiful place (Croatia, on the sea), but he also grew up in a country at war (former Yugoslavia). He doesn’t like to talk about it because he moves forward and not backward, but he wanted to let me know that he’s happy, and he appreciates all that he has in our marriage because he has seen terrible things and he knows what’s important. Mateo and me.
I don’t know whether darkness is really necessary to see “the stars” (in the more figurative sense), but it definitely does make them seem so much brighter. They are just that much more beautiful.
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This is what I’m listening to this. Join me: