sometimes when you’re having a little anxiety, you just have to share it with the internet

Silvia Plath - Again I feel the gulf between my desire & ambition and my naked abilities

via Typewritten (click to reach source)

Guys, you are going to save me a lot of money on therapy. That’s good, therapy isn’t in the budget this quarter. If you’re ready, let’s talk it out!

So I’m right off the big high of our “BIG NEWS” for the summer. We’re off to Europe in two weeks! (“big news” with jazz hands please). And by the by, it looks like we might be adding a little trip to Vienna, Austria, into the mix! I’ve never been and I’m dying to go. My cousin lives in beautiful Vienna now and is buying a pull-out mattress next week so that’s reason enough for us! :)

I’m getting side-tracked. So yeah…I’m really excited for the summer. [Actually, I'm a weirdo who doesn't get too excited about big things until I'm IN THE MOMENT...but still, in my way, I'm excited that I'm going to be  excited shortly.] Told ya — weirdo. The problem is that on the other side of making fun, rather “spur of the moment” decisions there is a lot of scrambling.

I’m feeling a lot of pressure to get organized and plan. I want to continue to blog and help this little space grow over the summer and that has started to get me a little panicky and anxious. I don’t know if I’ve said this before, but this blog isn’t just a hobby of mine; I want it to be a “real thing.” (ha, Great business plan, I know. GOAL: real thing). I feel confident that what I am working on and working through in this blog will lead me to whatever is next. At least I feel confident some of the time.

Henna portrait. Venice, Italy

We’ve set it up so that Mateo has more babysitting in these last couple weeks before we leave so that I can prepare and get organized. Problem is, my focus is all over the place and that has me feeling really guilty for the babysitting. The guilt isn’t about Mateo being away from me—he’s having a blast (he’s with one of his best buds)—but that we’re spending money for babysitting. We have it budgeted so I need to calm down, but the guilt just won’t let up. And guilt is not helping me on the productivity front.

Why is it that we monetize everything? I wish I could be above that. I wish we could just pursue happiness (and such) freely through working hard to reach our potentials. Big picture, that’s what’s important right? Of course it’s a balance, but one that we skew to the financial side most of the time. For some reason that just makes sense to us. (at least us U.S. Americans).

If I was getting a ton done, or making a ton of money doing it, that might help me breathe a little easier, but I feel like I’m working so slowly without much progress. Reality is, it takes time. I’ve been trying to write, trying to organize photos, (and shh, occasionally sneaking some internet maxi-dress window shopping – please send your recs.! ). But mainly working on editing the past couple days and the photos I’ve been working on just keep looking worse. I might just scrap them. I don’t know what I’m doing, it’s all just experimentation. I’ve learned enough to know that my editing is “off” but I haven’t learned enough to know how to fix it. This is the hairy part. The part I need to push through, because it’s either give up or keep learning.

henna portrait venice

I believe that I am investing my time and energy in the right place for my future and I’m LUCKY that I have a husband who believes the same. Still, I can’t help but feel indulgent. It’s because I love what I’m working on and it’s because of the money thing. I think if I was back “in school” it would make more sense. Why yes, making some financial sacrifices to pursue something for the future. I get it! Good for you, Henna.

I want to contribute to my family and I don’t want to be a (completely) self indulgent mother or wife. Of course I DO contribute lots to my family and of course financials are only one piece of the equation. I could make a list but luckily I’m not that insecure yet. I can also say without doubt that I make my family happy. Mateo and Aki are kinda obsessed with me. ha.

You know what, I like where I am and what I’m doing. I just get a lil’ anxiety every now and again.

Thanks for listening friends. I wrote about fighting through it all  just last month, but looks like I needed another writing therapy session. ;) Shall we meet again in a month? Please pencil me in. I’m going to re-read this to see if I came to any conclusions. Whether I did or not, I’m already breathing a little bit lighter.

I think I’ll be able to get a lot more done this afternoon!

PS  I just laughed out loud at this post. Not for the words, but for the photos I chose. The photos have nothing to do with anything. I just happen to look really nice in them. And you know, when you feel crappy it’s nice to look  nice. Right? I guess I do look kinda determined, hopeful and forward facing. So we’ll go with that. ;)

PPS  I do NOT look ANYTHING like those photos today. Those were taken eight months ago in Venice, Italy. I look better in Venice. I will not be posting a photo, but my “look of the day” includes Aki’s shorts and a baggy T-shirt. Maybe I should change.

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18 Thoughts on “sometimes when you’re having a little anxiety, you just have to share it with the internet

  1. Faith:

    I love this post, because I struggle with the very same dilemmas. AND I love looking at gorgeous photos of my cousin. :)

    • Aww, thanks Faith! We really should talk a lot more. I can’t believe we haven’t made it to Toronto this past year :( …invitation stands to Croatia ;) haha

  2. Hi Henna! Just happened upon your blog…wish I could help, unfortunately I am not up to speed with your “goals”, maybe you covered this in previous sessions. You mentioned photo-editing, are you going into Photography…modelling? I think you have some amazing photos, you could probably do both and that would allow you go still be an amazing wife / mom :) You could start a marketing website on Wix for free…though there are many others that I have not explored. I did my website there. And definitely make some business cards…that always made me feel “in business” when I pursued work on my own.
    Enjoy your trip! Great resource for architecture

    • Thanks Adina! Ah yes, business cards are a good idea. Also a fun design opportunity. It’s so lovely to see all of the support over here! Thanks for spinning your brain for me! :)

  3. Rachel:

    somehow it seems like you were unpacking your baggage to get ready to pack for trip! lightening the load is always a good thing. let me know if you want me to take teo to the park or if he wants to hang here. we won’t charge;-). also think about your self teaching as better than going back to school, new skills without mountains of debt!

    • Thanks Rachel! You’re awesome. I think you’re right, a little “unpacking” before the trip was in order! And so true…being a mother, learning on my own with flexibility has been working so well (when I give myself credit! ha). I think having this blog to work on keeps for accountable and always moving forward. I actually can’t believe how much I’ve learned in just this first couple months! Really appreciate the support by the waaaaay! :)

  4. I think that a lot of people (women?) share your dilemma. Just know this: You are doing serious, hard work every day that you spend taking care of that beautiful boy of yours. Worst case scenario: You never earn a dime doing any other work (though I think this is highly unlikely!). That won’t mean that your time was wasted. Not at all. If I could offer a bit of advice, I’d say that one day when you hire a babysitter, plan on doing nothing. No editing, cleaning, organizing, cooking or cleaning. Just sit back, try to relax, have a coffee, read a book, watch TV and just veg out. Don’t think about all the other things you could be doing. Just try to enjoy a day to yourself. I know what it’s like to be ambitious and conflicted. But you just need to take…baby steps. Or, you can do what I do and stay up until 4 a.m. getting everything done. That works, too. ;-)

    • Oooh, I like the idea of taking a day off to just read a book! It’s been waaaay too long. I miss my books! :) Oh dear, I don’t know how you do it…I guess you’ll sleep when your boy goes to college? ;) It’s funny when we realize that we are both communicating in the middle of the night. I guess those are the “mama hours.” You’re definitely a model of what I call success (a creative job outside of the box and a happy family life to boot) so I really appreciate the advice! xo

  5. Angela:

    You are a fantastic mama to a high energy little boy and I bet if you counted the number of hours you spend with monitoring him, entertaining him, teaching, feeding, changing etc you’d surpass a 70hr work week. I’m impressed with you as a woman, a mother and a friend. What I think is most remarkable is that as a state at home mom you are not swallowed whole by the mother identity. Thank you for being publicly vulnerable, more people should be so brave. :)

    • love you! You always have this way of making me appreciate and enjoy who I am. :) I’m keeping you. ha.

  6. Anxiety is my best friend. I stress about everything: I should be doing more productive things with my time while bubba sleeps, I should have a more stable job (with a larger paycheck!), I should cook dinner for hubby more often… it’s never ending. And if/when I finally come to terms with one of my many worries, another one pops up. I can never find peace. I make lists and that helps. But I’m slowly coming terms with the fact that I’m a worrier. And I’m ok with that. Because worrying has made me who I am (I like that person) and has slowly but surely pushed me along to where I am today. I know people say that worrying doesn’t help, but it does mean you care and in some cases, it’s a call to action.

    Keep learning. This (this exact moment) is all part of the process. If you’re serious about your blog, or any pursuit, all you need is to put your head down, do what you’re doing, ENJOY what you’re doing, persist in what you’re doing, let time do its thing and before you know it you’ll be where you want to be. Just keep at it.

    Your photos are gorgeous and your voice is one of the best I’ve come across online. You’re extremely easy to relate to and this is what will get you far. You’re doing an awesome job!

    And YAY for long summer vacations! :)

    Maria xx

    • Maria! I can totally relate. It’s funny, I’m a super laid back person…but then I have this other anxiety ridden side. It’s true though, the anxiety sometimes stems from the fact that I want to always be a bigger person and that’s not a bad thing. :) We just have to remind ourselves to enjoy the lovely moments as well. :) (which I think we do). Ah and YES, so true…I think sometimes you just have to see if you like WHO you ARE and if the answer is yes, you’re on the right track. ;) I think that’s one of the reasons I don’t have much in the way of regrets. Tough things happen, but it’s all part of leading me to this moment. Thank you for all of your thoughtful words. It’s really lovely to have met you through blogging of all things! :) Who knows, maybe we’ll stop by Greece one of these days! :)

      • Just read this! Yes, would be so lovely to meet you and your lovely family! Maybe you could make a brief stop on your way to Croatia? :)

        Maria xx

  7. JaeHi:

    Giving your boy as much love, attention, and outlets he craves for, and still doing what you are passionate about, is one awesome human being. I’ve been there, always feeling I am not accomplishing enough, until I allow “doing and achieving” to eat me up, rather than experience all the treasures I have, my children, my husband and life itself. You dad used to tell me, I need to stop and smell the roses.
    Keep doing what you are doing, loving that boy and that hubby of yours who are “kinda obsessed” with you. Your blog will come along because you love it. One day you will realize it has become BIG. I love you.

  8. Catherine:

    I was married to Guilt for years. I wrote a blog post about Guilt, and I don’t even have a blog (not kidding, I really did). In my mind, Guilt has his place, as long as you keep him at arm’s length. In part, he’s why you ARE a great mommy and great wife. There’s no perfect life situation, we just have to manage with what we have and who we are. This blog shows that you know a lot about WHO you are, that you are learning more about who you are, and you’ve identified lots of the things that you HAVE that are amazing (i.e., Mateo, Aki, etc). The desire to want to be better at your job(s) and that you’re mindful of your constraints, means that you ARE contributing to your family (and friends, I must say) in a meaningful way.

    PS. You do look lovely in the photos, and even when you’re wearing Aki’s clothes, you still look amazing to me. Push through all the photo editing difficulties, your taste is still killer.

  9. Pingback: hola May! | HENNA BLOSSOM

  10. OMG I just saw your comment! #badblogger ;)
    Where in Italy will you be? If you make it to Florence we should grab a coffee or an Aperitivo!!
    Good Luck!!

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